god speed

 As you lay there in your bed , and watched us come and go , you must have sometimes wondered , why no one ever  let you know..

Sometimes we would stroke your brow ,  and sometimes we would wonder how , in all our days we would let you go , from that thing you weren't supposed to know...

We would laugh and joke , some even smoked , but deep inside we were hurt and broke , and it really didnt matter if we all felt choacked , as we sat round you and babbled and spoke about nothing important...

When your passing was upon us and we said our goodbyes , you lay there so silent not moving your eyes , we tried to be strong but to no avail , as we were all told to leave , we started to grieve,  that was the first nail...

Your funeral was hard you know , I watched our family come and go, all afraid of stepping on  toes as decisions were made about how it should go.I learnt more on that day about jelousy and hate and to this date I will never relate....

The weeks and months turned into years and since you left us  we're still in tears , our thoughts and fears have never faded ,  just our family ties and selfish ways are still left broken by the truths that will never be spoken...

One saving grace that unites us in peace is the love that we had for you was honest and true just remember dear sister no words are more true , we love you forever yes that much we do...♡

Corona virus ...

Who could ever have imagined life would be the way it is  now. Trev and I both think we have had the virus early in the year,  I myself was unwell for a while, never ending cold symptoms  fever,coughing and tired. Could hardly climb the stairs. Trevs still at work,  bus driver,  classed as essential. I worry about him,  out there,  all those people coughing and sneezing on the bus. 

      Trev was going to contact his GP today to find out if it is  safe for him to continue to work,  he is on imunosupresants,  for his crones. If there had been a test for people to check if they had already had the virus, we would have some level of immunity.  I have not been able to start working as yet. Not for the lack of trying. I can't move in any direction,  I'm in limbo. Definately sitting my maths level 2 at earliest opportunity. I have some evidence of level 2 already, but,  frustrated as I am  by it I must do it again in order for my sanity. 11 years working in NHS and now they change the entry rules. Not happy. Could not imagine living in a flat right now,  lucky to be able to go out back garden and sit in warm sunshine. Still people fucking around,  who created these dumb bastards. Coming and going as if nothing is wrong. 

Have to say that I'm annoyed by the amount of elderly people I see out and about , for no real reason  other than  boredom.  Who's got all the pasta  , that's what I want to know lol. Cant wait till I can start doing normal again. Stay safe ♥️

HCA life

Non stop moving around..lifting , bending , stretching , cleaning , writing, seen as a thicko without a brain ..no fight left.

Dementia and my mum....The final chapters

Well , its been a while since I have been on here , I have good reason ,my wee mum passed away.
  Where do I start. Mum was meant to be going home , which after her home visit just wasn't a good idea at all. The hospital planned for her to go home , but we  weren't having any of that.
After speaking to the senior OT we had a call from the hospital social work team , social worker reckoned that mum was a risk and needed long term care.
  I found mum a bed in a nice home in Perth, she was happy about the move, we'd talked about it in length  over a period of time and it was with excitement that we waited on moving. What we hadnt anticipated was the speed with which it all happened. I went to visit my mum on the Friday around the 4th I think and on the way there I had a call saying my mum was probably in the discharge lounge all packed waiting for her move to an intermediate bed until her bed in the care home became available.
  I was shocked to say the least. On arrival I asked if mum could stay until her bed was ready in the home as I had confirmation of this not one hour before arriving at hospital. Well , it took the ward Clarke in all her glory around 2 minutes to find out if mum  could stop there in the hospital, no was the answer.
  Our great NHS, moving a 90 years old woman , who was no trouble , asked for nothing, 3 fractures
Brought on from falls in their care ,  Couldn't let my mum stop there for 2 more days.
If they had ejected my mum out through a window it wouldn't have felt any worse. Although , I was pleased for her to leave the place. I packed her up and transported her myself .
  She settled in the intermediate care, they all seemed caring and helpful, mum seemed happy enough. She even came out her shell a wee bit . we put her t v in her room and got her a paper every day and left her cigarettes with the staff. mum would be coming to Perth on Thursday at 3 pm, I couldn't wait. S o excited I could hardly focus at work.   .. My phone went around 10am on the morning of the 10th May , mum had a funny turn. She was ok though , the Dr was called. Dr rang me around 11.30 , mum was chesty and her sats were low, she had no colour. 2.10 Dr called me , mum had just passed away. I could not believe it.

Dementia and my mum

Dementia and my mum...the coming weeks

Well then...at work and many phone calls from hospital in Edinburgh. My mum is having more physio and is having a stair assessment , she will be having a home visit also. I told the OT , my sister will be there for that .
  My mum will be excited and both apprehensive for this visit as she has been in hospital for nine weeks already. I do feel that she must think she is not getting out of that place. Sometimes I try and imagine how I might feel if I thought my daughter didn't want the burden of popping in on me occasionally , it fills me with sadness and almost depression .
  I have spoke to quite a lot of people who's family all become uncaring and don't want to participate in caring for a close relative, its more common than I had realised. I also sat thinking about how until about two years ago my relationship with my family was nearly non existent , nothings  changed there , hahaha, apart from the fact they now dislike me . But enough about me ....

Dementia and my mum "continuity of care"

Since my last post , my mum now with three fractures, is moving about allot better. She is still on a chair alarm and has a falls alarm in place also. I have been to see her on a regular basis and while I'm with her I do try and make my visits useful , ie , taking washing home, doing her hair and nails, helping to mobilise her safely and entertaining her with my endless chatter.
  Some days she looks tired and drained and other days she's all alert and happy to read her paper and just enjoy being in your company, although I'm not convinced that she even cares if you are there or not.
  I usually stay at my mums house if I'm stopping a few days, I am still clearing out lots of junk items, not as many as first anticipated , or may bee I just don't notice any more. Its been happening for almost two years now. The amount of clothes and books, just stuff in general , stuff you can't sell or give away, who's got time for that these days anyway. I don't think I have had an actual day off in about two years , if I'm not at work I'm at mums.
  It is still amusing to me how short the memory is. All the years going to my mums and suddenly I'm shifting through years of memories, not all bad and not all good. I have learnt one thing and it surprised me , how quickly people do forget , in the last two years alone mums gone through an incredible amount of stress and trauma. Does any one actually care or realise , you wouldn't think so.
  If there is one thing I won't miss at the end of all this and that's my older siblings. They have been the most uncaring,  selfish,  self absorbed individuals I have ever encountered. When did this actually happen , I have no idea. I'm sure this is all my fault...unbelievable
  My mum stared at me the other day while I was sat facing her. She just sat staring at me, I actually thought she didn't know who I was, I asked if she was ok and she continued staring , she looked as if she were about to communicate something to me , but no, she just stared . I asked her if she was ok and did she want to tell me something , but she said no . If I am accused of anything be it miserable , moody, bossy, loud intimidating, then yes , I will take all this and I will be grateful for having that type of character just when I needed it to do all the things iv had to do .Things I hope my family never have to do or even consider doing for a parent. I no longer need there approval or require it.
   I don't think I will be staying in Scotland after my mum passes away as there is nothing here for me, only lovely places to visit. It shouldn't matter to anyone anyway. I will simply vanish . My brother will acquire his property, my other siblings will acquire the freedom of having to care for a parent....But , they also are parents. I only hope their children are more loving and caring and considerate towards them in their old age or decreasing health . Dementia doesn't discriminate.....